I am in my seventh week of my freshman year in college. So far, I have been adjusting well and haven’t had trouble with that “childhood to college” transition. I am involved, I hang out with new people, and I have a routine set up for myself (which is good because I’m a crazy person who absolutely needs everything in my life mapped out to not feel completely out of control). I have been seeing people all around me missing home and having a really hard time getting used to being away from Mom and Dad and I was just sitting back thinking about how well I am doing.
Well, today, I was the kid crying on the phone to my mom about being home sick. I was reading my very good friend, Amanda’s, blog here on WordPress and listening to music and I just burst into tears.
I miss my friends.
The people I met at my church back home became the most influential people in my life during my years in high school. That goodbye almost two months ago now was the hardest one I have ever had to do. I have a big family back home that loves me and that made my years in high school worthwhile.
I called my mom in a panic saying that I couldn’t do this and I needed everything to go back to the way it was. Of course, that is absolutely not going to happen and I don’t truly want that, but there is an immense pain in missing not just one person, or a few people, but a whole community of people.
I took a step back to look at my life as it is right now. I have my wonderful boyfriend here at school with me and I spend a lot of time with him. I have my roommate who I spend a bit of time with, but I haven’t made any great friends here at school. I finally realized that I am afraid to make new friends.
I am afraid that if I open myself up to new people, especially a new church home, that I will be replacing my friends in my life.
I think about the great relationships I have with the friends and family back home and I don’t think I will ever form relationships anything like those again. What I need to really need to realize that it is a good thing to never make relationships the same as the ones I have. I am going to be so much happier to maintain the relationships that I have back at home and to make new kinds of relationships.
I don’t want to replace the people I love the most in my life. No matter how many new people I let into my life, I will never be replacing the ones that already hold a place in my heart.
I suppose I will just have to continue to allow my heart to get bigger and bigger as to make room for each person that enters my life.
Thank you, Amanda, and all my other Smoky Hill friends who inspired me to write and to put no limit on the love I accept and give. I love you guys.
Here’s to letting new people into my heart.