Today is Friday: The best day of the week; the day when the end of the week seems like it is going to be so easy and the beginning of the weekend is so exciting. This past week, I had one of the most emotional breakdowns I have ever gone through.
The transition to college is tough because it’s exciting, fun, and new at the same time as being daunting, scary, and emotional.
I’m not feeling upset because of school. In fact, school takes my mind off of it. All my classes challenge me, but I enjoy them. They help me to focus on the reason why I came to college in the first place and not all the other side factors. The only problem is that although I am here for an education (which I believe I will get here), a very big part of college is social.
So my next point makes sense to me so let’s put aside the fact that my PSY210 professor told me that personality tests are neither valid, nor reliable because I found this and all other tests I’ve taken to be quite accurate and if I want to ignorantly feel like a website is telling me about my life so that I can feel better then I will.
Now, I took one of those 16-Type personality tests yesterday. I was classified as an INFJ where I am introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging, and turbulent. Basically, I like people, but I need my alone time at the end of the day (which is tough to get when you have a roommate so let’s make that emotional freakout factor #1). I am very intuitive, which I agree with wholeheartedly, meaning that I can sort of tell how a person is feeling and why. This makes me a feeler…I would say that means that I take on the burden of other people’s feelings so that maybe they won’t have to feel so bad. Sweet, right? No. Try exhausting (emotional freakout factor #2). I am judging and that doesn’t mean what one would think it means. I’m not judgemental toward other people (not any more than the average person, of course, but not any less either). It means that I’m a control freak. I like to exert control by planning, organizing, and long-thought-out decision-making. I don’t think this contributed to my emotional freakout at all…rather, I think it helps me and makes me feel better when my life is completely organized. That turbulent part means that I’ll fly off the handle at any time…in other words, I have a low tolerance for stress. That is definitely factor #3 to my emotional freakout.
Aside from my personality, I left a very close church home a few months ago and I miss my friends. In addition, I miss my mommy and my sister and I had two papers due, a midterm and a final over the last week going in to next week. Those things likely contributed to stress.
After my emotional freakout, I decided I really needed some Jesus to fill my cup. I have not gone to a bible study or even a church because I don’t want to be disappointed. I am in the mindset where I feel like nothing is ever going to be as good as my old church home and none of the people are going to connect with me that same way again. In a sense, this is absolutely true, but my wording is off. Instead of comparing two groups as “better” and “worse,” I have been trying to think of them simply as “different.”
So I built up the courage to go the a weekly bible study with the a United Methodist Church close to campus. As it turned out, the discussion didn’t seem as in-depth as it did at my old church, but it was quite different in nature. All the people seemed very nice and extremely welcoming (I hate to admit it, but probably more welcoming than my old church home was when I first came a few years ago). The conversation was more bible-based and less God-based or spiritual-based, if you will. At that I was disappointed, but I realize that there have been times back home where we talked about bible stories and more logistically what God meant. For me, that isn’t as fulfilling as enlightening, but I know that this group will not always talk about only that and things similar to it.
I am really trying to take a step back and open my mind because although I love dearly my church home, I am not there anymore and when it comes down to it, praying, bible study and meditation all on my own just doesn’t quite cut it. I need discussion to really fill that cup to the brim with love of/for God.
This weekend, I am going home. I am going to spend some time with my mentor in hopes that I feel like all is well with me soul (as she would say), I am going to spend time with my mom and my sister, I am going to cut my hair, and I am going to take a chance to appreciate what I have at home, but approach what I have at school head-on.
I hope you all take the opportunity today to breathe deep the breath of God and feel refreshed.