Emotion: Change

Most people view fearing change as a weakness; however, I feel (like in many aspects of life…) that everyone to some extent fears change. It shouldn’t be seen as a weakness, but rather a normal part of life.

I’ve really been struggling with a lot of changes in my life lately and I’ve been really struggling with the fact that I am afraid of those changes and I don’t like or want them.

I think at some point, I will get used to these changes as they become normative for me and I will become comfortable. Truly, that’s the way life goes. We get used to doing something and then it changes. We, then, get used to doing that and get comfortable there and then it changes again. If life was always the same, growing wouldn’t happen. It’s true that change is a natural part of life, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary.

Change disrupts what we think is the natural order of things. These changes can be “good” or “bad” changes, but regardless, they are probably going to add some amount of stress.

I have started a new year at CSU, I’ve changed my course of study a bit, I have started my involvement as a Wesley Foundation Intern, we have a new director of the Wesley foundation, I have some new friends  (and some old ones are away), I’ve started a new job, I live in a new place…the list goes on and on.

There is a lot that is different from what I am used to that just recently arose. All these changes are good and they are going to help me to grow. I know that consciously, but I’m still drowning. And frankly, I’m scared shitless.

I’m an extremely emotional person. My stresses and emotions manifest in uncontrollable tears that lead to migraines, which just disrupt my busy life. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can only do so much, but there is so much that I have to do! And a lot of those things involve the big changes in my life!

I feel like I need to sit in this for a little while. My new Wesley director said something yesterday that I hadn’t thought about. She said something along the lines of, “It’s ok to have trouble adjusting to big changes. You should just sit in that for a while and let yourself feel that. You don’t have to be happy about all the changes in your life. It’ll take a while for you to feel happy about all of them, so just feel the way you feel.”

She’s right. Change is upsetting. It is scary and it is uncomfortable. It almost has its own unique emotion. We are always so apt to push down negative emotions in order to get things done, but sometimes, it’s best to just “sit in” the emotions we are feeling. Feel them and embrace them. Because life isn’t about pushing aside our feelings to get done the things we need to get done. In my opinion, we aren’t really living if we aren’t feeling as deeply as we can each and every emotion that arises within us.

So here I am. I am feeling a lot of change, and I am going to sit and let myself feel the emotion that comes with it. It’s okay to feel shitty about things that are changing in our lives. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I am unbelievably excited about my new course of study, my internship, Wesley’s new director, my new job, my new friends, and my new apartment! But all those things come with a stress of adjusting to so much new all at once.

Too much of anything is too much. I don’t think I’ll ever come out of this emotion of change if I don’t let myself sit in it. 

So here’s to sitting in an emotion of change.